In which things are thought
by Utility Calculus
Summary: Set in fifth year of the Maurders. Things start out normal but everything quickly becomes very strange and they spiral into a world none of them can control. SBRL JPLE
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't any of this, has no purpose, never will

Warning: contains slash, not your cup of tea; drink coffee, if you must flame at least use correct spelling as it will make it easier for me to understand your grievance with this story. Thank you and have a nice day. 

Chapter 1: In which many things are thought about and Remus cries

_God I hate myself_, the tall boy thought to himself, practically punching himself in the head with frustration. _I'm not supposed to be like this. It's so bloody stupid and if he ever finds out he's going to kill me. They're all going to bloody kill me, even James. This is just so fucking idiotic. _These thoughts had been running circles in his head for months now and each new day failed to shed any light on them or make them go away. He knew he wasn't supposed to think like this, his family would kill him if they ever found out. Even the Muggles thought it was weird, he had read in their newspapers about the battles over it and it seemed that most thought it was as strange as his family did. Sirius Black was in love…with a boy.

He flopped himself down onto his bed, burying his face in his soft pillow. He wanted to scream. Everything was completely fucked. It was that simple. The door into the dorm he shared with his three best friends opened and a small boy came in. He was thin with golden hair that refused to be even within touching distance of a comb. He looked down at the boy on the bed with his bright amber eyes.

"Sirius? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He muttered sitting up and trying to avoid the look from those entrancing eyes. _This is so so so bad. I can't like Remus. This can't end well._

"You sure? You've been acting really weird lately."

"I'm fine. Just have a lot of homework. Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"Nothing." _Damn it! It would be a lot easier to talk to him if I didn't feel like just snogging him every time he opened his god damn mouth. He's so pretty. _Remus Lupin was pretty; in fact he was drop dead gorgeous, long messy hair falling into his brilliant eyes, pale skin that glowed in the light of the fire that burned in the common room. He was thin and elegant, each movement flowing and graceful. Sirius sighed, watching what he knew he could never have, but that didn't mean he couldn't dream.

"Sirius? Do you want to tell me something?"

"No." _Yes. Why is this so bloody fucking_ _hard? _

"Well, I have to go do something but I'll see you tomorrow."

"Where are you going?"

"It's my mum. I need to go down to see her."

"Didn't you see her like a month ago?"

"Yes but she's really sick."

"Tell her I said hi."

"Now that would kill her." Sirius threw a pillow at Remus, as he rushed out of the room to escape the onslaught. The larger boy turned again to daydreams and berating himself.

Outside the door Remus Lupin, leaned against the wall, his heart pounding hard in his chest. It was not uncomfortable, a little unwelcome and very, very strange. He didn't really mind the feelings but he wished that he could tell someone anyone, before they burned a hole through his chest. He liked the emotion but some days it drove him mad. _Is this love?_, he wondered, _Do I love Sirius?_ He shrugged, feeling a bit unsteady as wolf like tendencies prowled within him. The full moon was tonight, within hours and it already was fighting at him. He shuddered, uncomfortable even in his own skin. He was so lucky they hadn't found out in third year when they had studied werewolves. He was terrified of himself; he could only imagine another's fear, and the thought of the first friends he had ever had in years being afraid of him. Sirius scared of him. He made his way down the stairs, out through the portrait of the fat lady and down through the great doors. Madam Pomfrey was there waiting for and she gently led him out across the grounds and into the bowels of the earth below the Whomping Willow. He made his way alone now down the dark tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. It was just the way he had left it, shattered, doors torn from their hinges, furniture in tattered half-chewed pieces. He tried not to think about what happened in this abandoned house between full moons but when he was sitting alone in the debris he couldn't help it. The moon came up over the trees and he took a shaking breath,

"Oh god," he whispered, hugging his sides painfully. His bones started to crack, readjusting themselves to fit the new skin that was being stretched across them, growing fur. He tried to scream but his human voice transformed to a feral howl in his ears. A wolf nose picked up its own scent on the furniture, two human smells that were always there: a boy and a woman. These were these scents that every month drove him mad, and he would hunt the house every night for the humans but he could never find them. Tonight he was frustrated, infuriated and sickened by a feeling of loneliness that felt like a stake driving through his lupine heart. He tore at his flesh in anger, claws and teeth digging into his sides and he cried out in the pain he was causing himself but the wolf was mad with rage and solitude, and did not seem to hear its own pain filled howls.

0o0o0o0

Remus woke in the hospital wing, tired and smelling of filth. Someone shouted and his head ached at the sudden noise.

"He's awake!"

"Really?"

"Come quick!"

He saw three faces close to his and a hand on the side of his face. His vision cleared itself gradually and he recognized James Potter, Sirius and Peter Pettigrew. Sirius hand was on his face, forcing his unfocused to look at them.

"Gods, Remus, what the hell happened?" Sirius asked; worry softening his words as they entered the other boy's ears, "We were so scared."

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Three days!" He tried to sit up but it brought on an instant bout of dizziness and Sirius' hand immediately pushed him back into the bed. He was breathing heavily and his vision would not adjust properly, making his head ache worse than ever.

"We were so worried, Rem. What happened?" The young werewolf looked up at his friends. He didn't want to lie to his friends again but lying had become second nature when dealing with his condition.

"I got in an accident."

"I thought you used Floo powder to visit your mum."

"I didn't say the name clearly because I ended up in some one's house and they were not too happy with it and I was trying to catch the Knight Bus but I get hit by a Muggle car."

"Bloody hell, Remus! You could have been killed!"

"Now boys," Madam Pomfrey had come in to the Hospital Wing from an errand and was scowling at them in a way that said perfectly clear 'leave-Mr.-Lupin-alone-now-or-you-will-all-get-detentions', "I think you've kept Mr. Lupin up long enough. He'll be leaving tomorrow and you may question him further then. Now leave and let him sleep." They all left sulkily, Sirius relinquishing the grasp he'd had on Remus' hand grudgingly.

"You going to be okay?" he asked quietly.

"I'll be fine Sirius. Don't worry about me tonight." Sirius forced a grin on his face and followed the others back to the Gryffindor common room. Once they were all assembled, James turned to the other two and beckoned them to some vacant seats far from anyone else.

"What is it James?"

"Do you ever think that there are more to Rem's frequent travels than he lets on?"

"Well, yeah but he wouldn't lie to us, would he?"

"Depends on what it was, I guess. I don't have any proof but I've seen him with Madam Pomfrey walking across the grounds right before he disappears. I mean, I wish he'd tell us what's going on but I'm sure we can figure it out if we try. There has to be some pattern to his 'travels'."

"Where do you propose we start?"

"Calendar, of course. See if he leaves on the same day every month of something."

"How do you know exactly what day he leaves?"

"I have my sources."

"That's a little weird. Potter, are you a stalker?"

"No you weirdo. His fan club."

"I thought I was the only Marauder with a fan club." Sirius huffed with annoyance.

"Think again my friend. Rem's is almost as big as yours. Except those girls actually have brains unlike your adoring crowd." Sirius couldn't help but scowl, "That aside, they keep track of when he's gone, have for about a year and I got the dates off of one of them. Now all we need is a calendar."

"I've got one from Divination, to help with Astrology." Peter piped in, "It's got all the planets and the phases of the moon though."

"That'll work." The three got to work, completely unaware of what they were about to uncover.

0o0o0o0

When Remus entered the dorm he shared with James, Peter and Sirius he was met with three strange faces. They were all staring at him with worry and understanding but under it all…was it fear? Remus sat down on his bed, looking around at his friends with trepidation, waiting for one of them to speak first. Sirius slowly forced himself to move and knelt beside his bed, looking up at him.

"What's up you guys? What's going on?"

"Rem, we know." Sirius said, his voice strangely flat as he reached out and grasped his hand with shaking fingers.

"What are you talking about?"

"We figured it out. We know you're a- a werewolf." Inside him, Remus felt his stomach turn to ice. He sighed bending his head, not wanting to see the looks in his friends' eyes. They must be so scared of him. They must hate him. It was what they were supposed to do: they were supposed to hate and fear him. He started to cry, unable to help it as he knew the small semblance of a life slipped through his fingers. The tears trickled down his nose and he tried to wipe them away but his felt his arms pinned in a hug, warm, arms wrapped around him as he sobbed into the person's shoulder.

"It's okay Rem. It's okay. We won't tell anyone. It'll all be all right. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll figure it out." It was Sirius who held him, Sirius who whispered comforting things in his ear. Remus grabbed onto him, afraid to lose him, even a little. Sirius just held him close and let him cry himself dry.

The older boy could feel the tears Remus was shedding soak his shirt, the boy's thin shoulders heave with poorly suppressed sobs. If it had been for any other reason Sirius would have loved the feeling of hugging Remus but not now, not when he was so scared. _Does he think we would abandon him? How could he think that? He must know that we'd never leave him because of something he couldn't control. I would never not love him._

"Hush, Rem, its okay. Why are you crying?"

"Aren't you scared of me?" he whispered though painful sobs.

"No, come on it's us. We're not scared of anyone, you know, except McGonagall." Remus tried to laugh through the fear that still constricted his chest. It came out rather weak and shaking.

"You're really okay with this?"

"It'll take some getting use to but it's nothing we can't handle. Now come on, stop crying or we really will get scared."

Wow, this is my first chaptered fanfic. I feel so proud of myself smiles insanely. I have to get a life this summer and not only read fanfic but this is such fun. Why am I listening to Christmas music in August? mental shrug Please review. It really does help. You people who reviewed my last stuff, thank you so much. You were brave, that was utter wierdness but it was fun to write. See you later, Hawk


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: In which the word tizzy is used and Sirius is genuinely interested in something

"So," Sirius settled down on the couch in the Gyriffndor common room, "what exactly happens to you during a full moon?" Remus gulped the tea that he had been drinking, eyes growing wide.

"Sirius! Don't talk so loud!" None of the few people still in the common room even looked at them. They were insane, the Mauraders were and if you didn't want to turn that way you ignored any of their private conversations.

"No one's listening! Come on Remus, I'm genuinely intested in something. I'd think you of all people would want to take advantage of that. The Infamous Sirius Black actually paying attention to something! Please talk to me." Sirius looked up into Remus' eyes, looking freakishly similar to a hurt puppy.

"We can go for a walk."

"Yay!"

"You're such a weirdo. Come on." The two boys steped out of the portrait hole, tightning their clocks around their necks almost similtaniously.

"So," Sirius began again once they had walked a long way from any ears but those of the Giant Squid, "what is being a werewolf like?"

"Not that strange except for that one night a month I guess. I never really have memories of being fully human to compare it to."

"Remus,"

"Yeah?"

"Does it hurt?"

"Only during the transformations themselves."

"Where do you go, you know? Dumbledore doesn't just let you roam the Forbidden Forest, does he? What if you accidently ran into Hagrid? He might try to adopt you!" Remus laughed then and Sirius put an arm around his shoulders, "You know that this doesn't bother anyone but you?"

"And the Ministry."

"Well we all know that they are arrogant fatheads." Remus smiled.

"Thanks. As for where Dumbledore puts me, you know the noises that have been coming out of the Shrieking Shack that has everyone in Hogsmede in a tizzy-" At that Sirius couldn't help up snort into his hand, cheeks flushed with suppressed laughter, "What's so funny?"

"You said tizzy! A Maurader said TIZZY!"

"You need a straight jacket. Maybe that's what I'll get you for Christmas."

"As long as you get me something."

"Not that picky are you?"

"Not about Christmas presents." A little voice in Remus' head was yelling at him, saying he and Sirius were standing much too close and they had been standing so for much too long. Still, it didn't seem like Sirius had noticed and Remus shrugged off the nagging voice in his head. Sirius was speaking again, "What would the werewolf like for Christmas?"

-You.

"Chocolate."

"Is that sweet tooth of yours ever sated?"

"Since when do you know a word like sated?"

"Since you started leaving you're books around on the floor and I get bored in the middle of the night."

"You're such an endearing little boy."

"With a newly expanded vocabulary."

"I'm so proud."

Yes, I realize that this chapter was insanely useless but it was really fun to write and I felt really bad that I hadn't updated either of my stories in such a long time that I felt I had to before November. I'm taking part in National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWrMo which starts November First and is pretty much involves writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That means if I'm going to succeed I won't be able to update for a really long time and I'm going to be very cranky for all of November.

Thank you to every one who reviewed you are all so awesome and I wish that I could write something for you all individually but the rules say I can't but you are all thanked with all my heart

Please Review!

It is so awesome to hear any comments about my work and all reviewers will be rewarded in the land of happy authors and reviewers and we all eat brownies and laugh at flamers who are all stuck in the land of the flamers where all they get to eat is calliflower and frogs are in their beds.

So reviewing is really good for your future and flamers flame of you must but the rule of proper spelling still applies. Thank you.

Hawk Willowwalker


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